What’s wrong with me? I just packed up five bags of clothes, toys and books to donate. I just sent off two boxes of bags to a child welfare agency so that children won’t be putting their belongings in a plastic garbage bag. I would think nothing of giving money or expensive gifts to friends. I can’t say no to any request my sisters make and for that matter my children too. What is misfiring in my heart that I struggle with how much to send to Korea to my Umma and brother? Why can’t I happily send money their way knowing they need it and are too proud to ask. Why do I get frustrated that my brother is without a job yet again? Why do I get aggravated that my Umma puts on a cheery voice of “don’t worry!”
To send or not? How much? How much is too much? Is it insulting? Why is it?
I am fortunate to have birthfamily who make zero demands on me, my time or my finances. They never make the first move, always waiting to hear from me. Most of the time, I am ok with it, but today, I am frustrated. My brother has lost his jobs and their situation has little improved. So, I am sending money, with the committment to send each month. It is the only way I know how to stay connected at this point. To think of them through this action is my only way of staying in their lives.
My friend is helping me translate a letter to them. Always hard to have this conversation. She and I are not on the same page. “You never lived with them….if you were a millionaire then ok, but this is too much.” What am I starting here?
I need to do this. I can’t sleep if I don’t. I am getting on the slippery slope but what else can I do?