A typical morning dropping off the kids.  Ping!  My phone goes off.  Friend forwards me an article…

“My parents have moved on, but I am living in the past.”

Pause. Do I want to read this right now?  Will I just get pissy?  It is a special day, my sister is coming for a visit.  It’s a celebratory day.  A day that has become only for us to share as the date pushes further behind me.  A made up day to acknowledge I was born just like everyone else.

READ.  I hope you do too.  It is a good, truthful, raw read and I want to reach out this adoptee.  I am not often compelled to do that.  Sometimes, the media does it just right.  My friend and I each got something different out of it.  The feeling that one is without a home either in Korea or in America, the missing of the past, the inability to graft in the future.

“I look at how my father interacts with my half-siblings and it’s a relationship I will never understand. And to fully comprehend the fact that I will never have a relationship like they do is just devastating. I can’t do it anymore.”

I am reminded of my Umma and brother.  They have a relationship.  While I am not deluded into thinking they have an ordinary relationship, it is something I will never have with Umma.  I am her fantasy child, lost and found again.  She can’t come close to me and feel entitled to chastise, joke, tease or demand.  I am getting better at pulling her in.  I am hopeful she will follow my lead.

2 thoughts on “Tuesday

  1. I felt very bad for HeeRa when I read this. I’m glad she found a place in Australia. As an AP, I’ve tried very hard to bring Korean culture into our home and our “food” life. I’m not as good a cook as some of my Korean friends, but I keep trying. Our kids enjoy eating Korean food and will look forward to helping me cook a Korean meal, too.

    Our family was very fortunate that the grandparents had experience with adoption and how it affects kids and families. Our daughter had a special relationship with her pop-pop. He was her “Buddy”, and they did many things together. When pop-pop was visiting and she misbehaved, he didn’t look to us to correct her or reprimand her–he did it himself. I think that this actually strengthened their relationship. She was devastated when he died.

    I’m glad that HeeRa found a place to feel comfortable. I hope you and your Umma come to a good place, too.

    Keep posting! I enjoy reading.

    • Thank you for posting a response. It sounds like you are working hard to incorporate culture in your child’s life. I hope you enjoy Korean cuisine too! I think I was struck by how raw this article was and no matter how our lives develop, it is essential to address the loss and incredible isolation many adoptees feel. I am sorry for your loss of your parents and for your daughter’s special relationship with her grandfather. The love of my grandmother is something I cherish and miss tremendously.

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